So I knew that my lack of meditation practice this year would not bode well for me come wintertime. Although, now we’re the other side of you-know-what, I’m actually starting to feel better already.
When chatting about plans and ideas work-wise for the year ahead, my sister said she thought I lacked motivation. I assured her that the reason why I’ve been talking about various business ideas for (more than?) two years without actually getting any off the ground is confidence, not motivation.
I feel overwhelmingly motivated to create, inspire and educate. I yearn to fill my days with projects of my own creation and spend my time and focus working hard for something I believe in. My lack of confidence in my ideas and the belief that I’m capable of producing anything of quality has held me back.
Which is really fucking sad.
Example: I started a ’30 things to do before I’m 30′ list, got not even a third of the way through before convincing myself that I probably wouldn’t do any of it.
I’m intending to head back to the list at somepoint, hopefully whilst there’s still time!
It’s not even failure I’m anxious about (everyone fails), it’s the fact that I’m anxious that I’m anxious. I think I’ve just doubted myself for so long, I’ve forgotten (did I ever really know?!) what it’s like to not question myself and my ideas so intensively.
If this was anyone else saying this to me, I’d tell them to have some faith in themselves. Why is taking your own advice so difficult?
Mindfulness has been useful in the moments when I really needed to remind myself to stay calm, to react more neutrally, not to drop my basket. I hope meditation will help me have faith.
When I was 17, after a few awkward straight sexual encounters, I decided to make a GP appointment to talk about contraception. Knowing then that I was not planning on using my womb (an organ I was born with and did not choose) for reproduction, I asked the doctor for a hysterectomy. I had heard my mum and her friends speak about this surgical procedure in relation to ‘women in their 30’s and 40’s without children’ and assumed this would be the best course of action for me. I was not aware, at that point in my life that a hysterectomy is the removal of the whole womb, ovaries included and therefore induces menopause.
The male doctor laughed. I remember this so clearly and now as an adult wonder why he did not ask me why I felt this way about my fertility.
He prescribed me the combined hormonal pill Microgynon. And I started doing my research into the sterilisation process. I don’t feel like going through menopause before my body decides it’s time.
Now, over 9 years later, I have tried the whole ‘range’ of combined hormonal contraceptive pills and the Implanon implant. The side effects experienced over this time could use up a whole blog post, but all I’ll say is how? (Literally, how?) Could pumping your body full of unnaturally created hormones not fuck you up? Long-acting reversible contraception I do not need.
I feel the same way about my fertility as I did 10 years ago. I do not want, or need that either. My doctor (not then same one I had when I was 17) this year finally referred me to my local outpatient gynaecologist to talk about getting sterilised.
I had my appointment yesterday. Overall my preconceptions and fears about people under 30 asking for sterilisation treatment on the NHS were confirmed. The gynaecologist was very polite, appreciated my rationality (and the fact that I had done my research) but still told me that he was basing his decision on the fact that there are a number of people who have had his operation young, only to request reversal years later. Obviously the fact that I had begun pursuing this decision 10 years earlier was not taken into account.
It is not something I decided to do on a whim. It’s a procedure that feels as natural for me as going to the dentist: necessary.
Being treated like you can’t make decisions about your own body because you:
A) Are too young
B) Were assigned female at birth
C) Might undergo a radical personality change and want to further the population / have parental responsibility / become pregnant / give birth
There are a whole host of articles online from women who’ve had to battle for control over their own fertility. #toomany
The first few months of 2017 felt so manic thinking about it now seems like a distant memory. Here was always where I was headed. I have found my partner in (
The person I always hoped was round the corner, but never dared to dream…
And we’re cooking some amazing food together! We love talking about food, cooking food and eating food. He’s embraced the vegan lifestyle with an open mind and an enthusiasm that matches my own.
We eat big meals and have a balanced, nutritional diet but lately we’ve been feeling like we’re just not eating enough. My body mass index has just slipped to ‘underweight’, which is something I’m keen to address and need to gain around a stone. We’re planning more protein smoothies, less skipping lunch (which happens way too often in our household) and more cake.
26 is according to some the year you reach and have formed much of your personality, but for me I also feel I’m noticing aging physically also. Nothing too drastic, it’s just I had a wild early 20’s (yeah right)…
I’m posting as on a study break till October, therefore can sit and type something that isn’t an essay without giving myself a hard time. But I also do feel that this is a particularly important time for me in terms of personal development. Looking forward to beginning my next module, just as much as I am to finishing it in April!
My ‘current’ interest lies in social research. Education and Healthcare mainly; more specifically in the fields of Sexualities and Gender, but I’m also just sat here wondering if there are any Vegan groups that educate school-age children about the meat and dairy industry? Doubt there would be time on the curriculum for that..